The title of today's post is a great place to begin. To begin to understand my disorder, I need to begin to understand myself. For all that I have done, good or ill, I have done so by choice. I am not going to try to say that some evil force has pushed me to do the wrongs that I have done. I am not delusional. My motivation has always been clear. I have always been about me.
I have always looked out for number one and obtaining what I have believed are my wants and needs, the rest of the world be damned. To acknowledge that about myself is to understand that I hold my desires above the needs of all others in my life. It is to this end that I have committed many wrongs to those who have trusted me the most. I have used my position of trust to get away with some awful things many times in my life. The craving to satisfy my desires has at least in part created the beast with which I now battle. And that fight is not likely to end soon. Just because I have identified what I know to be my greatest failing, that I am selfish, does not mean that the lunatic will now fall silent.
There are many aspects to my personality, this just being one. When you combine this weakness with another dominant personality trait, things can get even more troubling. More on that tomorrow.
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