First I must say, I am a Charles Osgood fan. Kinda corny I realize but I am a fan regardless.
I have stated in the past that confession is good for the soul. Confessing my sins to my spouse has freed my mind to pursue corrective measures. But after a conversation with my brother last evening, I am confused about the nature of confession and guilt in general.
In a phone call that lasted almost two hours, I began it with apologizing for what in my mind were the heinous sins committed by me against him when we were kids and into adulthood. What followed was the most in my face confrontation about what I have been putting myself through that I have experienced, ever. To summarize the conversation, it was basically said "I don't know what your talking about". I was stunned! He does not even remember the hospitalization event at all! The only reason I don't question that it happened is because my mother confirmed that it did indeed happen. He has attributed it to being kids and the difference in our ages at the time the events occurred. The only thing he did say was hurtful was my making fun of his weight as kids and that he secretly felt vindicated when I surpassed his weight when in adulthood. I made it a big issue to point out to him his behavior during the last two years of my stay at home with our parents. He pointed out that there were other issues at hand that I didn't realize that was taking place, including his dealing with his own weight and image issues. It was purely coincidence that the change to "normal" occurred when I left and that he had come to terms with his own identity. This realization was very eye opening.
But what he did next was even more stunning. He took the time to help me remember times when as older kids that my friends and I did indeed include him in things. He pointed out the times that I took him to the arcade as an example. I didn't even remember these things until he brought them to the forefront of the conversation.
Why do we make ourselves the bad guys in our own brains? The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is to justify our depression. I have no legitimate reason for my depression, so my mind has created the reason for me. I have created in my head the perfect villain that satisfies all the criteria to explain why I feel the way I do, and that villain is me. By being the bad guy, I have every right to feel cynical, self loathing, and can justify my behaviors toward other people, be it correct or not. As my brother has shown me it is not justified. In the case with my wife and son, it is justified but that situation was at least in part created as a result of already assuming that I am a bad person was a foregone conclusion.
So where does that leave me now??? With a lot to think and pray about. What of my past transgressions are real issues and what are a part of being a kid and young adult? I still feel the need to confess my guilt to those that I have wronged or perceived to have wronged. Is it to cleanse my soul? Or could it be that some part of my buried sub-conscience knows that if enough people tell me I'm being ridiculous that I will begin to see it for myself? Could it be deeper than that still??? What am I really trying to accomplish????? I only know one thing about this for certain. I want to be "normal" or at least to feel normal. I don't even know anymore what the "real me" is. I am tired of being lazy. I am tired of what I have done with my life. And most importantly I am tired of being the bad guy! I AM NOT THAT MAN NOW NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN!!
One more thing my brother gave me insight to that I have promised to put into motion. I need to stop abusing my body and work on setting realistic goals for success. I believe that with what he shared with me last night paired with counseling I am receiving from my pastor, they have both put into words the possible path to being free of my demon. Thank you, gentlemen. I know that you are both correct in your assessments and suggestions.
Now I pray that I have the will and courage to follow through...
