When does a condition of the human mind become an obsession to the one who bears it? Why does the brain sometimes latch onto feelings of hurt, insecurity, and anger as a drowning man would latch onto a life preserver? How does the healing begin?
Up front, I know that "this too shall pass" is probably one of the most fundamental statements of human life that has ever been uttered in any language. It is the wisdom brought on by just observing the world around us. Given enough time, everything will change. What is bad will be made good, what is stormy will see calm. Conditions of the mind are also subject to this philosophical judgement. But unlike the weather, real change has to conditioned into existence. This is to be my project for my future. I want to leave behind the lazy, selfish person that I have known for my entire life. I want to build a better me from the ashes left behind by the old me.
I am enough of a realist to understand however; that it is not going to be a simple undertaking. Like so many things that are worth doing, time and patience will be my friend. But time is constantly moving forward while patience and I have an estranged relationship at best. Prayer then has become my new best friend.
I made a rather strange revelation today. To gain control of my life and my feelings of guilt and anger, I need to give up that control to God. Confused yet? Let me explain. I have always had the idea that I needed to be in control of all aspects of myself. From what I read, worked or played at to the way I behaved and acted in public. Even so far as to believe that I needed to control my thoughts and emotions. I never quite seemed to get the hang of being in control, though. I am easily distracted and go off task on the slightest whim. I require firm handling from those whom I am responsible to and yet resent their efforts to put me back on task. I can make the most ridged of plans, yet will change my mind at the drop of a hat. In fact, if I dropped a hat I would need to pick it up right then before I became side tracked and never see it again! I would even forget that I owned said hat until someone would ask me about it!! The idea of surrendering myself to God seemed almost like a cop-out. A way to not have to be responsible for my actions because "it was in Gods hands".
I have many short comings that I am not proud of but one thing I am very proud of is my capacity for research. I like understanding a given topic to be best that I can learn it. The caveat is that I really have to want to learn it. I can remember stupid trivia about music and movies and yet I can't remember the names of people I have known for years. I can even answer some trivia questions about a movie I have never seen before if I have seen the trailer! (True story, I once answered correctly a Scene-It question about the movie Repo Man and have not seen it to this day. What makes this weird is that it was some obscure piece of information that I picked up somewhere and it stuck in my head.) I am not someone who wants people to think I know something about everything. If I truly do not know, I will say so. And I don't like to debate. Debating is a useless argument between opposing viewpoints that is not going to swayed or changed by the opposite sides viewpoints. It only serves to spoon-feed the "undecided" so that they don't feel like they need to research the topic of discussion and make an informed decision. We live in a modern age where information is the currency of technology. If you really want to know about something, many sources are at your finger tips. And there goes my hat! See what I mean about distraction?
The point about research was going to be this. After much reading and contemplation, I realized that my concept of surrendering to God was completely faulty. I need control in my life. I needed to be in control of my life. I have proven that I am incapable of maintaining this needed control under my own power. But giving up on absolute control means that I need to be willing to ask for help. God is not going to run my life for me, taking away all my problems and allow me to coast down the road without a care in the world. But God can give me strength and stabilization through prayer and meditation. He has already provided me with a support system through my associations in life from my church to my wife and sons and my parents and brother. If I want to get control of the parts of my life that are out of control, I need to be willing to accept that I need help and not be resentful. God did not make me perfect, but I am told he made me in his image. I am told that he loves me for me, blemish's and all. He is not asking that I be perfect, only that I ask for and accept the gifts he wants to give me.
And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is how the healing begins...
