I found the quote used for today's title to be very enlightening. I did not imagine that Mr Graham would have these kind of moments. But then I think that he too is human complete with all of the virtues and failings that come as "standard equipment".
I believe that anyone with a conscience has the innate desire to be forgiven of their sins. God has given each of us that chance for forgiveness if we but reach for it. But how does one begin to forgive himself? Can a person be truly forgiven of his sins by God if he can't even forgive himself? Does this man truly seek the forgiveness of his Lord, or has he cut himself off from God because he refuses to let go of the past and accept that which he cannot change?
So many times I have been caught in the trap of "if only I could do things differently". I don't have a time machine or magic powers to go back into the past. Nor have I discovered a rip in the "space-time continuum" that could be my reset button. (This is a reference to the Stephen King novel 11.22.63. If you haven't read it, get it now. You won't be disappointed.) But when you can't change the past, what options are left to you? It's easy to say "what's done is done, just move on". It's another thing altogether to turn it from a good idea to a working reality. Believe me, I have tried.
Forgiveness is an interesting concept. We are taught from a young age that if we wrong others we say "I'm sorry". We are made to do this even if we aren't sorry! As a child, more often than not, what I am sorry for is that I got caught! We are also taught that if someone says that they're sorry or seeks your forgiveness that we must accept it and get on with life. But that too is not so easy. If you took my toy, then gave it back and said you were sorry, I may or may not forgive you immediately. It depends upon how angry I am at the time you gave me your apology. I may say "that's okay" but do I really mean it? Or how about the man who has made deep scars in your life? He becomes remorseful and seeks your forgiveness. Do you immediately say "it's okay"? I suppose that depends upon where you are in the grief process. If you are at peace with what done to create those scars, then true forgiveness is possible. If the wrongs committed against you have left you angry, suffering or bearing a grudge, then not so much.
If I have not stated this before, I need to say it now and if I have, it bears repeating. Confessions to my wife for my sins against her and my family were very liberating. A huge weight seems to be lifted from me and is allowing me to heal. Confession will not fix the mess that I have created however; but it has at least freed me enough to begin the repair process. My eyes are opened, and my mind and heart are working to achieve the best possible outcome. I am no longer afraid to face what I have do to make things right.
My demons of the past are no different in this respect. It could be that the first steps in forgiving ones self is to confront the past and put it to rest. I need time to think and pray about this. For the first time in a long time, the lunatic in my head is starting to quiet down. We both need to think and pray it would seem.
